Dehesa - pinxos that pinch your pocket

Would you believe I ended up at Dehesa because at the street festival "A Taste of Spain" (taking place on Regent Street) you couldn't get a single glass of bloody wine ANYWHERE and in order to nab the most microscopic piece of jamòn you had to queue for 45 minutes at one of endless regional stands whilst anxious ladies thrust brochures up your nose under the sweltering sun. Taste of Spain? Waste of Spain if you ask me.

So anyway, Dehesa.... well they certainly saw the Brits coming. One of an endless newish crop of pinxos, tapas, cicchetti, over-priced tiny grilled things on plates that in Europe cost about 2 euros - type bars. The classic tortilla is £4. Yes, a combination of egg and potatoes. £4. For a quarter slice. Good? Hmm... if you can't knock this one up better at home...

The food is good, don't get me wrong, it's just far from exceptional and lacks the heartiness and richness that real Spanish tapas can impart despite the small portions . A bowl of hard boiled quail's eggs with rock salt and paprika at £5.50 was a bit too gimmicky for me, when they could have done something incredible had they poached them and burst them over some fresh asparagus for example. The salt to quail's eggs ratio was enough to have the health police rushing round for a cholesterol check too, you could have baked a whole fish in the salt, there was that much of it.

I had mozzarella with olive tapenade and crostini. The sort of little dish that you get in Europe for about 5 euros and comes with a giant oozing cheese and four or five thick slices of grilled bread slathered with the black stuff. This was all twee and dinky, wee mozarellas of ok quality and two tiny crostini on a slice of bread that could double for a wheat thin spread with what can only be described as a "dainty smattering" of tapenade. As though it were marmite.

The biggest joke was the drink however. Davy's wine bar knows its stuff when it comes to serving sherry. A decent glass can be obtained there for a fiver with little fuss or show. Here it took a good 15 minutes for a glass of fino to arrive and when it did, Raquel, who'd ordered the more expensive Manzanilla Pasada, had almost a third less in her glass than I did with my Ximenez . When she enquired as to the reason, we were fobbed off with a pretentious "its about the intensity of flavour and how it is imparted in a smaller quantity." To which Raquel, a Spanish born-and-raised lady with considerable experience in the wine deparment simply scoffed "so, I pay more, and get less?" Then looked at me as it to say "can you imagine a waitress saying that to some crusty sherry-producing farmer in a smoky Andalucian bar and getting away with it alive?" TO which I could only cringe...

Now Polpo on Beak Street on the other hand... super cichetti!

FROMAGE

VERSUS

Just a note to respond to many demands made to me by various French compadres I have met over the years about Britain's "lack of cheese". It turns out Britain produces over 700 varieties of cheese. We have 14 "Protected Origin" cheeses. So the French can stop complaining, we can wheel out the fromage just as well as they can. Stick that in your reblochon and smoke it! Merci.

Light summer supper..

Two light, Salad Club-inspired dishes, and a classic Italian starter for a light summer supper with friends. I've watched Ellie from Salad Club cook many similar things and have finally succumbed to the lure of the delicious looking lentil dishes she churns out and have made my own little version, borrowed heavily I admit. All my recipes are for 3-4 people.

Green Lentils with Chorizo and Red Onion

You'll need:

200 g green lentils

1 small spicy cooking chorizo

1 red onion

a few small tomatoes

handful fresh coriander

handful flat leaf parsley

3 cloves of garlic

salt and pepper

Add your lentils to a pan of cold water, bring to the boil then simmer for as long as the pack instructions require. I like my lentils with a bit of bite for a salad dish, not mushy. Dice your onions and chop your garlic and fry gently in a deep frying pan in some olive oil until soft. Add the chopped chorizo and fry. once the oil has taken on a reddish colour, add the small tomatoes and mush them into the oil with a spatula. Drain your lentils and add them to the chorizo and onions, season to taste and add the chopped herbs. Serve cold or warm.

Bulgar Wheat with Butternut Squash, Feta and Asparagus.

You'll need:

200 g bulgar wheat

1 red onion

1 butternut squash

1 pack British asparagus tips

1 small courgette

100g Greek feta cheese

fresh dill

fresh mint

Cook the bulgar wheat according to pack instructions. Drain and let it cool. Roast some small chunks of peeled butternut squash in the oven (160°) for about 40 minutes with olive oil, salt and pepper. Remove from the oven and put aside. Steam the asparagus tips for 6-8 minutes and set aside. Fry half the red onion in some olive oil in a frying pan, add the courgette, sliced, to the oil and fry until golden brown. Drain and set aside.

Place your bulgar wheat in a bowl, add the courgette, asparagus, butternut squash and the thinly sliced remainder of the red onion. Crumble in some feta cheese, pour over the olive oil from the pan (add more if needed), add the chopped fresh herbs and serve!

Mozarella and Tomato salad.

You'll need:

A mozzarella di Bufala, the one in the posh packaging, or preferably from a trusted deli. If you can, get a burratina - even creamier!

1 box of Isle of Wight tomatoes or Kent tomatoes in season.

Fresh basil.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Chop the tomatoes roughly, tear up the mozzarella, coat the lot with olive oil and sea salt. Turn with the hands and dress with torn basil leaves. Serve immediately.

Dos Tortillas Para Ti

Well, technically speaking, one of them is more of a frittata, but let's not get lexically over-analytical over a few eggs...

Easy to knock up, wonderful to wolf down and probably far too high in cholesterol content, these eggy, summery delights are perfect to accompany a barbecue, or a light supper, or to slice up and pack for a picnic. You can put whatever you want in a frittata, and tortillas are filling enough to be a lunch all on their own so start experimenting. Excellent use of fridge leftovers too...

Tortilla de Patatas con Pimientos

You'll need:

6 eggs

1 onion

1 pepper

salt

pepper

olive oil

Heat 3/4 inch of olive oil in a deep frying pan and put in the peeled potatoes diced into smallish chunks. Sprinkle with salt. Let these simmer slowly on a low heat until they start to go mushy. They absolutely must not burn or go crisp. In a bowl, lightly beat the six eggs and season.Once the potatoes are done, drain off the excess oil and place the potatoes into the egg mix. Mush with a fork to amalgamate the mixture (a few chunks of potato are always nice).Heat whatever remaining oil is left in the frying pan and fry your onions and peppers. Once soft, add the potato and egg mixture. Cook, tilting the pan occasionally and pulling the cooked egg mix towards you with a spatula and filling the gap with still runny egg. Once the top is more or less cooked, place a plate over the tortilla and flip the tortilla onto it. Slide the tortilla, uncooked side down back into the pan and cook the other side. After a minute or two it should be done.Sldie back onto a clean plate, let it cool and serve...

Frittata with Sweet Potato, Tomato and Dill

You'll need:

6 eggs

3 small sweet potatoes

10 small tomates

half a white onion

1 clove of garlic

handful of fresh dill

parsley

salt

pepper

olive oil

Chop your sweet potato into small chunks and bake in a hot oven (160°)for about 4 minutes until soft. Whilst you're doing that, break eggs into a bowl and beat lightly, season and put aside. Fry your onions and garlic in a deep frying pan until soft, then add the tomatoes, cut in halves and fry those until soft. Season the lot. Add the cooked sweet potato to the pan, the shopped parsley and dill and then top with the egg. Use the same principal for cooking as the above tortilla.

Serve when warm or cool. This is the point where a cold beer should be offered to the chef.

12-hour wine braised shin of beef

I stole this from the River Cafè cookbook and it must be the most fool-proof, hassle free and delicious way to pot roast a beef I have ever come across. You'd be hard pressed to mess this recipe up, and it sunds impressive enough to ellicit "ooohs" of wonder from your friends.

First arm yourself with a 2.5 kilo piece of beef shin, with the bone still in it. Then go and purchase a couple of bottles of Chianti, doesn't need to be the best at all, but Chianti has good flavours to marry with the beef.

Pre-heat your oven to 70 degrees, the lowest setting you can get. After seasoning generously, plop your beef shin in a deep, heavy-bottomed cast iron pot - one that can go in the oven eventually - and pour over one bottle of wine. Add about 30 cloves of garlic, a handful of herbs of your choice, such as thyme, rosemary and parsley. Bring to the boil rapidly for 2-3 minutes, then turn off the heat.

Pop the beef in the oven and leave it for twelve hours, checking every four hours or so to see if the wine needs topping up. Best to do it over night.

Once cooked, take the beef out and put it on a carving plate, wrapped in foil to keep it warm and succulent. Pieces should literally be falling apart by now.

Reduce the wine by boiling it vigorously on the hob, add onions if you want. Once it has reduced by a third, strain it, mush up some of the garlic cloves into the strained jus and serve with your sliced beef, and some roasted root veggies. Aye carumba!

Le Bouchon Bordelais - Un vrai bordel...

Le Bouchon Bordelais in Clapham boasts a great location, comes equipped with young, athletic, tanned, study-abroad-type waiters in crisp aprons, the requisit 10 irritating Parisians sat at the table at the back and the most ridiculously over-priced bar-snack menu this side of the Thames.
Yes, they show all the rugby you could possibly hope for. Yes, Ricard afficionados and expat Frenchies will lap it up and yes, it's probably the highest concentration of good-looking people you can get in Clapham, but this does not justify £9.50 for a plate of cheese consisting effectively of 5 shavings the size of a 1/4 Babybel and a single fig, quartered to give the illusion of abundance.
Similarly a plateau de charcuterie at a cool £10.50 - and by cool I mean the rillettes were rock solid and compacted together in a frozen lardy lump, also wasn't the best showcase of a country whose every village produces at least one variety of heavenly cured pig/goose/duck/animal poached in butter and fat until it becomes an unctuous patè from Paradise.
Maybe it was the fact yesterday's Clermont-Perpignan top 14 final was particularly boring. More than likely my spritely mood was scuppered by the constant drunken bellowing of one lone, hyper-active Clermont fan with severe ADHD and a 1000 decibel voice who not only felt it necessary to pound his own table with his feet/arms/head every time anyone with a yellow rugby shirt appeared on screen, but also everyone else's, resulting in shattered glass, sprays of beer and spittle and a slightly terrified looking Perpignan fan huddling under a wall-hanging hoping not to be found.
Indeed, it is hard to enjoy good-looking staff, sub-standard charcuterie and deep rugby analysis amongst friends when a gurning idiot is having a brain aneurism/epileptic fit brought on by extreme Clermont fanaticism right behind you.
Did I mention the £8.50 Moules (we're talking a starter portion here, and no, this isn't Chez Gérard)? Did I mention the Croque Monsieur at £6.50? I know the French claim that their version of a cheese toastie is some sort of gourmet culinary feat of immense achievement, but let's be honest: bread, ham and bechamel shoved in a toastie-maker should only cost £6.50 at the Savoy if it's served on a silver platter or drizzled with truffle oil.

AND YET! I shall no doubt return. Since they do have very good-looking waiters. And show rugby. And it's French. And I'm a sucker. And even sub-standard charcuterie can make me smile. As long as Clermont aren't playing.

United Sandwiches of America

A while back on www.iknowagreatplace.com I did a list of top five Italian sandwiches... I'm now heading across the pond to the U.S of A, land I hold dear to my heart, to bring you exciting adventures in noshland and some great bread-cheese-meat-filling combos to get your nashers slobbering...

1. The Philly CHeese Steak, Philadelphia.

When in Philadelphia, head to Jim's Steaks at 4th and South Street and order a Philly Cheese Steak and cold beer.
What, pray, is a Philly Cheese Steak, you ask, eyebrows aquiver...?
My dears, it is but the most divine, sloppy, gooey, cheesy, meaty, greasy and calorific food wonder. The premise is this: get a good cut of steak, fry it, slather it with Cheez-Whizz (spray can orange gloop), melted Provolone or American cheese (that all-encompassing product of dubious origin) and stick the whole lot in the middle of a bread roll dripping with steak grease. Add pickles if you wish, or jalepeno peppers. I guarantee you orgasmic food heaven within minutes of narfing your first mouthful.

Jim's Steaks was my joint of preference, largely for the black and chrome 50's streamline deco and nifty neon lighting, but Philadelphians will fall over themselves to recommend any number of "The Original Philly Cheese Steak" house, including Pat's or Geno's.
Since the thing usually drips and oozes, people have perfected the "Philadelphia Lean", a tactical action which involves bending over your sandwich rather than bringing it to your mouth...
Eating a cheese steak... it's a science.

2. The Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel, New York City.

New York could merit a sandwich top ten of its own, but this is one of my favourite NY portable foodstuffs. There are many great places to sample this wonder of New York Jewish cuisine, the smoked salmon (Lox) and cream cheese bagel. Head to Katz's, where Sally famously yelled her orgasm to Harry in front of unsuspecting diners in the ultimate rom-com. You can sit in the movie-moment booth and indulge in some pretty spectacular bagels that may well have you hot under the collar.

Head to Coney Island or Little Odessa for some authentic smoked salmon from any number of the small Polish, Russian or Ukraianian delis. Head to Williamsborough in Brooklyn for a slice of Yiddishe Heimishe (good old fashioned home-comfort Jewish) bagels and rub shoulders with an historic Jewish community.

Then many rave about the offerings at Russ and Daughter's deli in SoHo. 179 East Houston Street New York, NY 10002. WHat a fantastic spread of smoked fish, caviar, and a huge slab of Gravadlax (where the term Lox is derived from) Salmon which they slice in front of you. Add some sour cream or cream cheese, red onion, capers and oodles of black pepper on a poppy seed bagel. THe variety and choice of salmons is incredible and the quality is fresh as fresh can be...

So don't be shmuck, schlep to Russ's, the staff are real mensches.

3. The Oyster Po'Boy, New Orleans.

For anyone thinking the the terms oyster and po' boy (poor boy) are mutually exclusive, think again. For many a long time, oysters were a staple food of Luoisiana workmen as they were bountiful and filling. THe key to a po'boy however, is the quality of the bread, a variant on the french baguette that should be crispy on the outside and very light, airy and fluffy on the inside, a reminder of the strong French presence and influence on Louisiana life and history.

A "dressed" oyster po'boy will be a bread sub filled with fried oysters, lettuce, tomatoe, mayonnaise and if you like, onions and pickles. SOme like hot creole mustard too, YUM YUM!

Head to the French Quarter of New Orleans for any number of po'boy shops and hunker down. If you're not keen on the fried oysters, try fried shrimp, soft shell crab or beef with gravy po'boys.

4. The Corn Dog, Texas.


Technically not a sandwich, but street food all the same... In fact, the corn dog is the quintessential State Fair food, conjuring up images of mullets, dodger cars, monster truck rallies and local rodeos in the sprawling midwest.

Essentially, the corn dog is a deep-fried, battered hot dog. Just what your arteries need before hitting a shooting range, mini-golf park or "the largest pumpkin" competition at any number of middle-America country fayres. Slather it with ketchup, mayo or American mustard (that sort-of-sweet yellow goo in a squeezy tube) and be sure to have a napkin ready for the dribbles!

I would dare say the corn-dog alone makes a detour to the midwest worth your while... And for the veggies out there, the Veggie dog does exist, but I'd ask for it quietly when surrounded by beefy cowboys with spurs on their feet, chewin' tobacco at the Minnesota Farmer's Rally.

5. The Lobster Roll, New England.

Oh lordy! Fresh shellfish REALLY rocks my boat and New England boasts slurpaliscious lobster, crab and shrimp - any combination of which usually gets me salivating and in need of a bib.

The rule of thumb as I see it is: Lobster in Maine. Clams in Massachusetts. Crab in New Hampshire.

The Lobster roll is simple enough, but if done right, contains all the necessary pzazz and shebang and holy-maloney to make all your seafood-y dreams come true. A pound of fresh fresh fresh lobster meat is steamed and diced, tossed with creamy mayonnaise and stuffed into a soft white roll with diced celery or spring onion and a squeeze of lemon. If you don't give a damn about calories and weight-loss, might I recommend a douse of melted butter over the top too!

As for the best place to eat Lobster roll, I sadly wouldn't know. Probably a best bet is to head down to the harbour and ask the lobster fishermen where they'd go.